Horseplay

Farewell snake, hello horse. How much more appealing than the slimy, slippery poisonous little viper is the four-legged creature that has served mankind so brilliantly over the centuries. Consider the many varieties: war horse, cart horse, dray horse, thoroughbred, steeplechaser, hurdler, show jumper, dressage horse, hunter, Shetland pony and even show pony. In an idle moment I wondered which golfers might have been what in an earlier life ...

War horses have varied considerably over the years but the typical cavalry charger needed to be strong, to carry the armoured knight, brave and fleet of foot. The athletic Ernie Els springs immediately to mind. Cart horses are big and cumbersome, with enormous stamina and big hearts. Phil Mickelson is one of the gutsiest and most resilient golfers around. It's not difficult to see him with a cart in tow. The dray horse is not dissimilar to the carthorse, but with a more specialised role. A willingness to loiter for hours outside breweries and public houses immediately suggests Darren Clarke, whose perfectionism would have ensured a correct delivery every time, although John Daly is a strong candidate too. In his case though there's a danger the inn might not have received all that the brewery had dispatched.

Golf is well served with thoroughbreds, who sprint fast and true all the way to the finish line. Surely Tiger Woods must be the pick of the yard here, with a "Best in Class" rosette for Seve Ballesteros. Steeplechasers, to a degree, share the qualities of carthorse and thoroughbred. Who can you see bringing home the field in the Grand National? A primetime Jack Nicklaus gets my vote.

The hurdler is more thoroughbred, with less daunting obstacles to clear. Tom Watson strikes me as the standout candidate. Show jumpers must be incredibly athletic, brave and finely attuned to their master's every command. For his dedication to David Leadbetter, at the height of his career at least, Sir Nick Faldo represents the classification in this equine fairytale.

Dressage mounts must be nimble dancers, with an ear for a tune and their rider's wishes. A youthful Woods perhaps with Butch Harmon in the saddle? The hunter must be limitlessly brave, full of stamina and aggression, willing to throw himself into the unknown without a second thought. They can be fallible too of course. Greg Norman is my hunter extraordinaire.

The Shetland pony is a distinctive, diminutive breed, much loved by children and designed to live out on the wild moors of Britain. They tend to make a lot of noise too. Look no further than UK-based Zimbabwean Tony Johnstone, although another expat, Australia's Wayne Riley, qualifies too.

Finally the show pony, and of the modern generation there is surely a clear winner in this category. There is no finer peacock striding the fairways than Ian Poulter. I write this as the Volvo Golf Champions nears its climax, where the over-sized Colin Montgomerie has been reminding us of his many talents. Not wishing to leave him out of this star-studded cast, perhaps he makes the list as the Trojan Horse. Just a thought ...